In a shocking development, injured Magpie Coach Stuart Rackham has taken a dramatic step to hasten his return to the field. While team doctors assured him that he’d be back in playing shape by late summer, Coach Stu has instead opted to have his legs removed above the knees and have them replaced with carbon fiber.
Rackham grew agitated when questioned about the controversial procedure, as depicted here (right) with an artists’ rendition of what the new legs will look like. When asked if throwing away two functioning legs was a good idea, he responded “Listen, I saw some South African with these legs nearly make the real people Olympics. Even with two good knees, my 40 can be timed with a sundial so hopefully these legs will make me a step quicker.” When questioned how he would pay for the procedure, he smiled and replied that his HMO was actually supporting the move. ”They’ve spent 93K on my 3 fake knees and all they’ve gotten is higher blood pressure and a dramatic increase in my body fat percentage. They think this will save them money in the long run.”
Not all of Rackham’s teammates were surprised to hear the news and greeted it with mixed responses. Steve “Moorey” Moore said “It’s not surprising. Stu has been fading with age and with the younger, more Australian, shaggy haired Duncan Relf joining the team; it was only a matter of time until Stu upgraded his parts.” Jess Wortman added “I wouldn’t be surprised if he started wearing a shaggy toupee soon.”
Rackham plans to have the operation in the next week. He’s expected to complete his recovery over the next 6 to 8 weeks. He’ll have to learn how to stand, walk, run, and kick again but that doesn’t seem to be phasing the coach. “I feel this is going to put me in top form for the season and I think the ladies are really going to respond to my lighter physique. Besides, I need a new opening line.”